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14 Things No Man Should Say Aloud... Ever!


1. "Hold my beer and watch this..."

Whatever you’re about to do is going to end very badly.
And probably end up on YouTube.


2. "Your sister is looking really hot!"

The last thing your best friend wants to think about is someone touching his sister. Especially if it’s you bumping uglies with her. Either carry out your romance in secret or you could both simply emigrate.
Even then he might hunt you down and kill you.



3. "Can I borrow your...?"

If the question doesn’t end with either a “new power drill” or “car” then it’s a fail. Sports gear, CDs and girlfriends are all off limits when it comes to sharing. And if you’re thinking of asking to borrow his clothes had in your man-card immediately and go and join the sisterhood.



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4. "Susan always says..."

A) The fact she "always" says the same thing to you just proves to your friends she thinks you're stupid.
B) You’ve just given a clear signal of just how much she has you under her thumb. Man up FFS!




5. "Did you see XXXXX on TV last night?"

Unless you’re talking about a sports event then you might as well be standing around the coffee machine talking make-up. Gossiping about TV shows is about as manly as David Beckham’s hairdresser.


6. "Calm down"

There are no two words on earth less likely to make her calm down. In fact the only reaction those two words are likely to get is to take things up to DEFCON 5 so buckle up, you’re now in for a bumpy ride.



7. "Have you lost weight?"

Only acceptable if you’re trying to flatter a female boss/favourite barmaid. It should never be said to another man. If he has worked hard at shedding a few pounds it should only be discussed in the traditional men’s style;

"Been working out?"

"Yep"

"Cool"

Job done.


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8. "Steve told me..."

Not cool bro. No man should ever repeat what another man has said. Man talk is sacred.



9. "Actually I kind of liked his/her/their last single."

Just no! Yes, there’s no room for music snobbery, it’s good to be different but some bands and singers are just totally out of bounds. There’s no excuse for admitting you actually quite like Beiber/Adele/Coldplay, keep that stuff hidden on your iPlayer and off your road trip mix CD’s.



10. "Oh, you're going to wear that?"

You’ve questioned her outfit? Really?!? You can now get set to enjoy;
2 hours while she changes
4 hours while she’s pissed off with you
2 nights sleeping in the spare room
Well played!


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11. "O.M.G"

No, that’s fine to say... If you're a thirteen year old girl!


12. "So how many guys have you slept with?"

That conversation is never going to go well or leave you feeling better about yourself. Even if she doesn’t answer you’re going to assume the worse. She has a past, you have a last, now let’s all move on with our lives.


13. "Seriously how bad can it get?"

Unlucky for some. It’s like you’ve just predicted the future. The Karma Gods will have heard you and will no doubt answer in several tons of nuclear "How do you like them apples?!?"


14. "Is it the red wire or the blue wire?"

If you don’t know then you shouldn’t be touching anything electrical. Those words are possibly about to be your last. That phrase is even worse if you’re a bomb disposal officer.


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