25 Ways to Survive the Xmas - Christmas Man Advice
'Tis the season to be jolly/drunk/having to go visit relatives you've managed to avoid for the rest of the year. Your bank balance will take a complete hammering, you'll be forced to wear a “whacky” Christmas jumper by the Fun Police and accused of being a complete 'grinch' if you don't conform to their rules and slip into something hugely uncomfortable that will create enough static electricity to light a football stadium and you'll eat and drink more food in two weeks than you’d normally consume in two months.
So here's our Man Advice on how to survive Christmas
Get your own back on telemarketers at Christmas by handing the phone to a four year old and telling them it's Santa.
Save money this Christmas by buying your kids Easter eggs and telling them they over slept.
Avoid the same heartache as last Christmas by not giving your heart away this year in case the very next day they give it away.
Gain more party invites by gaining weight, dying your hair white and growing a beard.
Start your own anti-Christmas songs campaign by singing summer songs really loudly any time you enter a store that is playing a Michael Buble CD.
Having trouble with unruly snowmen? Show them a hairdryer to let them know whose boss!
Tired of that annoying girl at work who thinks she's perfect? Shove a Christmas tree up her ass to show her what an angel she really is.
A dog isn't just for Christmas... Put some novelty bunny ears on its head and it can make a great novelty pet for Easter too.
Don't eat the yellow snow (best to avoid any brown lumps as well just to be safe).
Stand out at the office Christmas party by painting your nose red, wearing antlers and complaining you never got to join in any reindeer games.
Postman; Increase your chance of getting tips by not being a fucking misery during the previous 11 months of the year.
Create a Godfather themed Christmas by leaving a horse's head on your boss's desk.
Make Christmas cards more intriguing by writing, "I know who you are and I saw what you did." And not signing it.
Save money on expensive Christmas wrapping paper by using "Happy Birthday" paper and just writing the word "Jesus" on it.
Save time on next year's decorating by not taking them down this year.
Make extra money over Christmas by selling snow and marketing it as "Self-Assembly Snowmen".
If you're going to jingle, jingle all the way, nobody likes a half assed jingler.
If you work from home, don't miss out on the festive fun, recreate your own office Christmas party by having a cheap meal, getting drunk and having a wank behind your office door.
Get into the Christmas spirit by feeding your neighbour's dog tinsel and waiting for the garden to become truly decorative.
No matter how drunk you get on New Year's Eve don't attempt anything you wouldn't want to have to explain to paramedics.
On the first day of Christmas don’t get your love a partridge in a pear tree. She'll actually really fucking hate it.
Never attempt cross country skiing unless you live in a really narrow country.
Too late to go Christmas shopping? Oral sex make
Single Men; Get a feel for married life by following a woman around hundreds of shops and complaining you're hungry.
Speed up the time of defrosting your Christmas turkey by covering it in anti-freeze.